Willie Rimes Gets Married
Willie Rimes fled to London, of the guards he was afraid
He might we arrested after his antics at the St Patricks day parade
He was settling in over there where he has been since
Though he couldnt stay out of bother, as I tell the tale of last week I wince
Willie had a pounding hangover, on the drink a fortnight or more
When he found a gang of Pakistanis all dressed up outside the door
“I got a hangover” he shouted, “Who are you Go away!”
“Its Jameel” came the reply… “you marry my sister today!”
Now our Willie he was gobsmacked, at the multicoloured sight
The girl had henna painting on her hand and looked a bit of all right
Willie hadn’t shaved at all and was a confirmed bachelor for life
When did he agree to get married, for this girl to be his wife?
He didt get a chance to think about it, as he was bundled into a car
By two rather dodgy looking chaps he had seen in the local bar
Then it hit him, when on the lash about two months before
He borrowed money from some lenders he met by the back door
Then he borrowed a little more, and then he couldnt pay
They told him thats when he agreed to get married today
The fact he was getting married hadnt hit him just yet
He perked up delighted saying “Be jayzuz Im out of debt!”
“There will be no swearing now, this prayer you must recite”
Said the other man, as Willie read it he turned a deadly white
It pledged him to be a Muslim and be good for now and all time
The religion where to have a wee drink itself was a crime!
Now Willie was in a panic, he was not gone on this anymore
It hit him like a hammer what he didn’t figure out before
What the drink does to our Willie! Such a comical tale
When Willie Rimes got married in a scam of passports for sale!
“But sure its not a real marriage” Willie to them pleaded
“My name on the cert for her to get the passport is all thats needed?”
“You will not disrespect my sister, if thats what you think”
Said Jameel with a gaze evil and real “You got to give up the drink”
Now, Willie can use a washing machine, and there’s always the launderette
He can buy a bag of chips, so he doesn’t need a wife just yet
But the thirst of God was on him, and he didn’t care as to how
He needed to get to a pub, he needed a cure right now!
They arrived at a building, it was a mosque he was told
It had a funny shaped roof and crazy writing and didn’t look quite old
The writing hed seen before on the telly about Syria and Iraq
Here he was now getting married, to get out of debt and for the craic!
He was told there are many types of marriage, and this it is the first
For Willie anything with a ring and the name of marriage it is the worst
He was thinking of their wedding night and the loving and with a start he realized
He had a major crisis he told them, being Irish he wasn’t circumcised…
That is not a problem, we can do it for you now in the back room
Willie went pale again, like a corpse in a tomb,
Now he started to panic, he really needed quick to get out of this
“Bejayzuz by the name of Allah lads” says he, “I need to go for a piss”
He got into the toilet, brought a chair with him to block the door
Smashed the window with his boot, he was staying here no more
Out the window with him down a half story, on his arse on the ground
But the adrenelin outdid the pain, as quick he looked around,
He legged it up a back lane, and hopped over a wall
He ran for a half hour and never stopped at all
He was going toi suffer pain anyway, and could get no loving
Jumped in the door of the first pub he found, through the crowd he was shoving
He got up to the counter ordered a pint and a double whiskey, as he raised the glass to his gob
He downed the whiskey in a gulp and said “thats just the job!”
He fled back home from London, hes officially on the run he says
Hes afraid of Turkish restaurants, and will never eat in an Indian for the rest of his days
He never thought he would be committed even if it was only a sham
Though hes officially married now and converted to Islam!
