The Pearly Gates

Reaching the "Pearly Gates"
Reaching the “Pearly Gates”


I was talking to a widow
And she was telling the tale to me
About one night in the moonlight
Her dead husband she did see!
She was scared at the apparition
And was in an awful state
As the story he did tell was that he was in Hell
And how he went wrong at the Gate.


Everything was as he expected
There was an awful throng
He knew that there would be a wait
Because the queue was long
And in his turn he took his place
With the others in the queue
But the angels weren’t slow as civil servants go
As they had a lot to do.


They had a lot of forms to be filled
And a lot of questions to ask
And to be sure everyone went to where they were meant
Was a near impossible task.
There were microchip computers
Listed on were all of our sins
The old floppy discs of one megabyte
Had long since got the bins.


God’s soul accountants had Windows XP
The Devils had the same
Your details and score came up on the screen
When they typed in your birth date, location and name.
Even though he is a great sinner,
The Microsoft man, Bill Gates
He’s sure of a place in Heaven
As God and he are good mates.


God wanted use of his programmes
So with God he cut a deal –
Free contract for a sure place in heaven
No matter how he would sin or would steal
The Devil was still working on paper
He had an awful job to do…
God on him, he took pity
So he got Satan one too!


Satan, well he was delighted
On disc he now has our names
With up to date Sinning League Scores
The old files now fan the flames!
More flames are needed in hell now,
In the Fire there can be no interruption
As the numbers of the condemned are rising fast
As the Heavenly Standards Commission stamps out corruption!


Bill Gates was the last deal they’d do
There was too many dodgy ones getting in
It was at the stage that in its old age
Heaven was a breeding place of debauchery and sin!
”I finally arrived” he said, “at the hatch
I gave my address and my name
He asked me how and why I made so many sins
As I tried to clear myself of blame.


St Peter smiles and asked me to wait
With others who laughed as  told how great was their sin
To a queue of a hundred more beside the pearly gate
Who admitted to little, and yet they still got in!
But, when the gate it was opened
A long path we were led down
Until we came to a crossing
At the sign I had to frown.


Heaven was back the way we came
We soon understood and could tell
The lucky ones were selected for purgatory
And the unfortunates, for Hell!
For God made Heaven for us all
For everybody there is a place
You queue at the border, but your there still
You only leave if you’ve fallen from grace!


Everybody goes to heaven: the Devil, me and you,
In our turn we protest our case when we reach the top of the queue
And if our case is all right, in Heaven we are allowed to stay
And if we are deemed as bad to be… we are turned the ’other way’”.
She told me that that was how here husband the story to her did tell
And he should know, as he went to Heaven, and then to Hell
The Afterworld is a strange place, for as you go about,
If you go through the pearly gates… then you are going OUT!

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